Tuesday, April 28, 2009

As you read this, carjackers are being identified and arrested all across the Atlantic seaboard

(A Medical Report)

Two weeks ago I had an eye appointment. I went in because I thought my prescription had changed. She said, “I can’t tell if it’s your prescription, or your dry, scratched-up corneas. You have really dry eyes. Try these other lenses for two weeks and then we’ll check your vision.” My corneas are so scratchy, apparently, that they might be affecting m seeing. Scratchy corneas heal themselves within a week, I learned, and these new lenses let in extra moisture and oxygen. They were developed for women in menopause. And I need them now so if some day 20 years from now I switch to wearing my glasses all the time, please don’t ask me why.

L had a follow-up appointment at the pediatrician this morning for her ear infection. We started her on antibiotics on Friday and on Saturday she woke up covered in hives. So we stopped the antibiotics (per doctor’s orders) with the hope that her ears would recover on their own. We learned today that her ears are improving slowly and she’s probably allergic to the whole cephalosporin family of drugs. Excellent news, all around.

Sometime between Thursday when I took L on our long walk and Saturday when I almost dehydrated through my eyes and nose due to allergies of my own, the tree pollen came. The whole metro area is coated in a fine green powder and it’s taking me down. The pollen count is so high…

how high is it?

…that I begged a friend whom I was meeting for lunch to leave her sunny spot on the patio in favor of a booth in the sterile, air-conditioned cafeteria.
…that when the girls wanted to play outside after school yesterday and M wasn’t home, I said no. Mean Mommy!
…that when I dragged both girls, kicking and screaming, to E’s doctor appointment tonight, I noticed my fingerprints perfectly preserved in green powder on the side windows of the car. In the spot where I support myself to lean in when I unbuckle carseat straps, the oils from my fingers left tantalizing spots for pollen to stick. Write that into your Da Vinci Code sequel, Dan Brown. You don’t need to cut people’s fingers off to copy their biometrics. Just look for their unwashed cars in the springtime.

Oh, yeah, E is having ear problems, too. We were back at the ENT. Blocked tube, again. Drops for a week, again. Come back and see us in two weeks, again.

This is fun, girls!

So tomorrow I go back to the eye doctor. I have no idea how she’ll check my vision this time, either, because my eyes are so watery and puffy and red it’s amazing I can even get my contacts in. It might not matter because I don’t know if I’ll make it inside the building. It’s a big parking lot to cross and the pollen cloud my scare me out of leaving my car. If I never get out and one day you need to identify my body don’t let them try for a retinal scan – remember my eyes are scratched up and useless. Point the forensics team to my perfectly preserved fingerprints on the car that I cowered in until the last clean oxygen was all gone. And pick up my girls from daycare, please. And don’t forget that E needs her ear drops.
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