Friday, September 26, 2008

How low / can you go?

The good news is that when the family room carpet is one day declared utterly destroyed, I have a very specific idea of how I want to replace it. (There is a nearby restaurant and I would like to steal their floor. I was going to link to their site to show you but the site is not opening, and OpenTable informs me that this restaurant is "temporarily offline." Perhaps: out of business? Maybe they can just sell me their floor on the cheap. Anyway, it's hardwood laid on the bias and every fifth (or so) stripe is a darker wood. I'd go the other way: dark wood with light stripe, still all diagonally and fun. This economy tanking is no good for restaurants but maybe good for home improvement project materials purchased at auction?)

Anywayyyys, the bad news is that these crazy children are ruining this carpet FAST, and without low, low auction prices, new flooring is not really planned for in the current budget. We took two big hits this week. In scenario A) we are rushing to get out the door to work/work/school. I am seeking matching shoes for E and M is preparing L's bottles for the day. E is coloring and L is crawling about. Picture it:

E is lying on the family room floor coloring in her new coloring pad with a red marker. L decides it's time to practice her Spiderman routine and starts climbing the bookshelf. M dashes over to the shelf to pry her arachnid fingerpads from the upper shelves, quickly setting down the full Brita pitcher on the floor to have two hands free. Something distracting happens. Next we know, L has knocked the Brita pitcher over, saturating E's drawing. Red ink-water is gushing. E screams. L squeals. M mutters profanities. E cries; her picture is ruined. L giggles; inspired by the excitement, she starts rolling in the water. M dashes for paper towels, but neither L's jacket nor our carpet will ever be the same.

In Scenario B) E has just drunk a drinkable yogurt, declared EMPTY! and set the container on the coffee table. L spies it. E doesn't notice and I don't notice, because E is on my lap and we're reading a book. L grabs the container and turns it over, pouring purple liquid yogurt all over the carpet, via, I should mention, my bare feet which had been perched on the edge of the coffee table. Empty, my dear E, really??? Aside from the small point that my toes weren't really in the market for a milk bath, there's the issue of this latest addition to the carpet stain collection. I don't know why yogurt has a bleaching effect on textiles, but from two years of doing E-the-yogurt-lover's laundry, I can tell you with confidence: YOGURT HAS A BLEACHING EFFECT ON TEXTILES. Including, in case you were wondering, synthetic 1980s brown carpet.

Here is L's jacket. We can't take pictures of any problems with the carpet, because we can't see anything wrong. No, nothing at all.

And then I got this in my babycenter.com email newsletter. From the 'Your Baby, 9 months week 3' message:

When you get to the point that the mess in your home is causing you stress, remember these three powerful words: Lower your standards.

This proves, conclusively, definitively, once and for all: The Internet Knows Everything. Pin It